This goes out to all of the girls who have ever referred to themselves as damaged goods.
I know I said I was going to be MIA from Tumblr but I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my life, about my relationships with people, my relationship with Marc that I feel I need to express my thoughts, have them written out somewhere to the point that I can make perfect sense of them and they aren’t just scrambled around in my brain. This is going to get a bit personal.
After having a surplus amount of people hurt me, walk all over me, treat me like how no human being should ever be treated I thought it okay to refer to myself as “damaged goods”. I blamed these people for why it was that I had major trust issues, for why I could no longer put my guard down completely, for why I was hesitant to start any new friendships, for why I questioned whether people’s apologies were sincere, for why I thought people would just lie to me like everyone else in my life had done before, for why I just kept to myself and grew accepting of the theory that if I ended up alone, it would be okay, that at least then I wouldn’t have to deal with being disappointed due to the expectations I held. People need people, that’s just the way it is and I think I truly learned that when Marc came into my life.
I think my emotions really began to get the best of me when someone I deeply cared about ended our friendship and I began to learn about all these things she did behind my back and realized she had abused my trust in a way that no one had ever done so in my life. And it hurt me all of the more because this person wasn’t someone I was dating, this was a friend, someone I referred to as a “best friend” and thought she was to remain by my side forever. I questioned why this had to happen to me, whether or not I truly deserved it. It takes an event like this, something to be so in your face such as this that it’s when you realize how shot your self-esteem is. After all that happened, I realized that Marc was all that I had, he was the only good thing that I had to look forward to and I began to panic, I began freaking out and thinking that just like everyone else in my life, he would leave me, he would find someone better, he would think me a horrible person and I became very afraid of losing him. So I found it hard to accept his apologies as sincere, I found it hard to let things go (and how could I find it easy to let them go when I’ve been holding on to things that have been done to me or have happened to me for years even), I found it hard to view things as stupid and not being worth fighting over, I thought every fight we had was the end of the world and thought it would lead to a break up, I would think that he was purposely out to hurt me. My train of thought plus the fact that I’ve never had to be considerate of anyone’s feelings or compromise with a significant other for too long because I never managed to stay with someone for the amount of time I’ve been with Marc is what lead me to realize that this were issues that I had with myself, they had nothing to do with Marc. Marc has never done anything in order for me to believe that any of his intentions are anything less than good. In previous relationships, when I couldn’t be in control, I ran. I never worked through anything or thought anything worth it to work through until I started dating Marc. I still have to grasp the concept that I am not in control of the things that happen to me, or around me but that the only thing that I am in control of is myself, and the way I react to certain situations. I’m a psychology major for God’s sakes, I should have learned this by now. It was with Marc that I learned that when you love someone you don’t leave, no matter how tough things get, you work through things. And me, is something I need to work on. It took a long time for me to see the light, I mean we’ve been together for a year and I’m just barely beginning to get clarity on the subject of me.
The thing is that I’ve been hurting for much longer than I intended or should have been hurting for. I couldn’t let things go, I expected to be hurt, so when someone hurt me it hurt all the more. Let’s get this straight, I don’t give a shit about the people in my past, the majority of them I’ve forgiven and forgotten about but what I’ve kept around was what I felt they had turned me into. I didn’t know how much damage had been done to me or how much of it I had done to myself until I fell in love with such an incredible person, Marc. He’s been very accepting of looking at my trust issues, my having a hard time with letting things go, my reluctance to accept apologies, my getting hurt and affected by miniscule things and looking at them as negative flaws and he’s never once asked me to change. Now, don’t get me wrong of course it sounds great that Marc’s willing to accept every part of me and I love him all the more for that but I’ve finally decided I don’t want to be this person anymore. I’m tired of thinking that this is the way I have to be because I was made this way due to everything that has happened to me, that I became this weak because of the people who have come and gone out of my life. I no longer want to hold that view of myself, I don’t want to be untrusting or “damaged”. Frankly, I’m tired of preparing myself for the bad things to come. It’s no way to live, is that even living at all when you come to expect the worst? I am doing this for me, and I realize that along the way it will make mine and Marc’s relationship much easier.
So what is it that I intend to do exactly? I intend to let it all go, to let go of all the pain that I’ve held on to for so long. I intend to do away with calling myself damaged goods and being okay with that, I intend to no longer be so weak willed, but stronger, I intend to do away with thinking about things with my emotions rather than thinking about them logically. I intend to realize that all of my past experiences have made me stronger not weaker, I intend to let my guard down completely, allow my trust issues to fade away, get rid of the mindset I hold that everyone is out to get me, that Marc will leave me, get rid of the notion that I need to hurt as much as I do about things that don’t fucking matter, I want to no longer take things so personal and let them roll off my back, I want to reduce the amount of arguments I start with Marc over stupid shit and make an even greater effort to understand where he is coming from, rather than be stuck on my point of view and I want to continue to love him to the depths and have him realize that what I intend on doing will only help the both of us in the long run. I want to believe with my full heart that I deserve happiness and that’s it a lot easier than I thought to achieve.
And with this I leave you, in hopes that you will realize that we can all better ourselves and that life can be really easy if we make it easy. We are in control of ourselves and we create our own happiness, so what the fuck are you waiting for? Move the hell on and smile.
I want to thank bellsprout for being there in my time of need, I love you.
And I want to thank Marc for everything he has done for me and for being more than I could ever ask for. I am sorry for everything and I love you deeply, always.
